The pattern for the past four nights is this…I am awakened out of a sound sleep by the desperately insistent need to scratch my right foot. If I don’t scratch I feel like I am going to go stark, raving mad. And if I do, it only aggravates the eczema and the hives and makes it so much worse. My mom’s brilliant idea of having a bucket of ice water by the bed worked wonderfully. However, when you have plunged your leg from the knee down into ice water at 2:30 in the morning, it is rather hard to settle back down to sleep.
I have that fuzzy and dangerously fragile feeling of an all-nighter. I feel weepy and tired and dreadfully homesick.
I just want to go home.
When that tender notion drifted through my consciousness in the very wee hours this morning, I adamantly pushed it away. ‘No way’, I thought, ‘I have two more days on my retreat, I’m not caving in and going home early.’
My gentle voice, however, agreed entirely. Home is where I need to be. I need comfort, I need TLC and I need to know that if tomorrow morning starts at 2:30am I am surrounded by people who love me and who care deeply about my wellbeing.
Maybe I am wimping-out. Maybe I am going to regret my decision. Maybe I will look back on this and think; ‘oh, Katie, you had two more days of blissful silence and alone time! How could you have given that up?’ However, the gentle voice is powerful and insistent and I need to listen. I want Simon. I want my boys. I want the sparkling Christmas tree, the festive decorations and the wonderful chaos that is my life.
I am listening to my body. I’m tuning in to the gentle voice that began my retreat four days ago. I am following the intuition that knows where I need to be right now.
I am moving with the flow and I am heading home.