Leaning In

At my naturopathy appointment last week, Dr. Doherty suggested an IV treatment. She felt that it could be a significant turning point in my detoxification and an energy booster to boot. ‘Oh yeah’, I thought, let’s put all those detoxification bulldozers right into my bloodstream and get this system moving! I was booked to have the treatment this afternoon and I was very excited.


After the fairly miserable, itchy and uncomfortable week I have had, I must say I was really hanging my hat on some relief this afternoon. At 5:30 this morning, when I had my foot in a big pot of icy water with Michael standing beside me saying; ‘don’t scratch Mommy, don’t scratch Mommy’, all I could think was; ‘there is light at the end of the tunnel’.

As I was driving the kids to school this morning (yes, I totally wimped-out on the first wind chill morning!) my cell phone rang. The extremely apologetic voice on the other end of the phone was calling to inform me that, due to illness, my appointment was cancelled. As I got off the phone my throat felt tight with disappointment and it was all I could do not to cry.

There was supposed to be light at the end of the tunnel today.

After dropping the kids off at school, I dragged myself home and had a nice little pity-party. After about 20 minutes I gathered myself up and re-planned my day. I had a bunch of errands to do and figured it would be better if I just got going.

As long as I leave the radio off, driving in the car is extremely meditative for me. Quiet time in the car gives me access to all kinds of inspiration, problem solving, ideas for my writing and solutions to tricky problems. I wasn’t more than a few minutes into my drive when a question gently floated across my consciousness; ‘what if your day is entirely perfect?’

Choosing to resist the pity-party response, I leaned into the question. What if my day is entirely perfect? What if the appointment was cancelled because there is some process happening in my body that would have been disrupted by the detoxification bulldozers? What if I was being kept from an accident on the highway at that particular time of day? What if I really needed the two quiet hours at home before heading to Brantford tonight for Zach’s hockey game?

What-If 2What if?

I allowed the question to sit lightly and slowly came to realize that the reason simply doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that I am always at choice as to how I respond. I can cling fiercely to how it is ‘supposed to be’ or I can hold it lightly and look for the perfection of the moment. It’s easy to lean into the perfection when it is something I really want. But when it isn’t? Now that’s a trickier business.

I could beat myself up and wonder why I have spent so much energy on a cancelled appointment. I could continue the pity-party as my foot is slowly driving me insane. Or I could appreciate that there are forces at work in my life that always hold what is highest and best for me and that I won’t always know the reasons.

There’s something about letting go of control that seems to be hovering around this ‘perfect’ day!

So, the bottom line is that this incredible life is shaping me, growing me, challenging me and asking me to lean in to the perfection that is available in each and every moment…and there is still light at the end of the tunnel, it’s just a slightly different colour than I was expecting!Light at the end of the tunnel

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